Sunday, January 17, 2010

Laughs Abound

Rochester Minn. — Mayo Clinic Builds Wings for Long Lines

Long lines of patients waiting for days have forced the famous Mayo Clinic to build extra wings. Passage of the new health care reforms now requires healthcare staff to check IDs to make sure that people are US citizens. ID checks also include food screening that places people who eat other items besides steak and potatoes as possible illegal aliens. Doctors have to require patients to spell the word abortion to determine that the person might have read material about the subject.

In the past, hospitals were required to deal with the illness plaguing the patient as a first priority. Now, interviewers of patients have to trace the lineage of the patient to verify their citizenship.

Hospitals now have free access to police tracking systems to verify the patient’s driver’s license or passport. But, doctors and nurses are spending extra time on phones to verify lineage through the Mormon system of record.

“We’d like to help diagnose patients,” said Dr. Russ Trated, “but we’re doing the work of an immigration department.”
Funds that were planned to be used to purchase a new diagnosing system that saves the lives of patients, had to be used instead to build the extra wings of the clinic just to house the waiting lines of people.

The clinic also lost half its staff during the first week when colds and flu were spread when the staff handled the brochures they collected from patients on abortion counseling. The coughing meds and flu shots had to be delayed, which resulted in mildly sick patients changing into bedridden ones. The clinic had to send their healthy staff members to Bed, Bath and Beyond for more supplies of beds and linens before they could treat the patients.

Meanwhile, the Mayo Clinic has spent $2 million on paper shredders to deal with the influx of the brochures. The shredders now take up most of the ER waiting room. The clinic has also found it necessary to buy dump trucks to take the debris out back for landfill.

“We’re glad this policy is working so well to insure that proper Americans use our resources,” said Senator Slim Wit.

Clinic security has increased to handle the disputes that arise from waiting patients who argue that their lineage is more American than others. Some security personnel had to escort former Daughters of the American Revolution out the door when they couldn’t answer who Betsy Ross was.

To make matters worse, some patients set up a stage in the waiting room to present plays about their grandfathers to boast about how much more American they were than other sick patients.

“My grandfather’s, grandfather’s grandfather came over on the Mayflower,” said A. Nal. “I deserve faster care than some schmo who came during the Civil War!”

Sirens sounded one day from the entourage of Hollywood celebs who wanted to turn the event into a reality show.

“I’ve been here for two days, now,” said Dee Esparate. “I was hoping for a transplant, but now I’ll need two, and I didn’t even get a part for the upcoming season.”

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