Laughs Abound

New York City — Pigs Barred on Subways

In an effort to clean the mass tranportation system for school children, Mayor Bloomberg has decided to stop pigs from using subways. The aim is meant to decrease the need for swine flu shot storage in the schools.

“We all know how pigs like to use the subways,” he said. “This new policy will help us while also cut down on the costs of all those needles in closets.”

“We don’t want to be cruel,” said B. Acon, a spokesman for the mayor. “This way we’re simply stopping them from traveling on confined subway cars that could spread the flu.”

Acon did admit that the job would become more difficult for transit police to identify the actual pigs from some two-legged ones that plague women on the subway.

However, the 20 new pig-prevention turnstiles that need to be installed will provide extra shovel ready work for people without jobs. The newer turnstiles will be low enough to stop any unwanted pigs from access to the subways.

Acon did worry about increased passenger injuries as people might stumble over the lower turnstiles that could create hamstring problems.

The frequency of pigs is most often seen during winter months when groups use the subway to hunt for the roots of truff les in the tunnels. They groups were most often protected by various restaurant owners who desired the truffles, according to Will D. Boar, owner of the new eatery, the Four Hoofs.

Recent health studies of the subway have tracked the number of swine flu cases from the past year. However, the results show no connection between cases of the disease and the pigs who used the subway. Instead, the studies showed a significant correlation between high school students carrying paper and then becoming sick.

“We’ve changed our minds about the cause of the sickness,” said Hy Fever from the city’s public health bureau. “Now we think the flu is tree flu instead of swine flu.”

Plans to bar the pigs will still be in effect because the city’s planning commission has already purchased the lower turnstiles. “Besides, we can’t bar trees from the subway even though the paper comes from trees,” Fever said. “We are thinking of putting barriers around the trees in parks, though. That way people won’t get infected from the pollen which could contain the paper virus.”

Animal rights activists are angered by the extra burdens the new rules will place on the ability of pigs to get around town. “This isn’t a pig-friendly city as it is,” said Poohie Stye from the American Civil Pig Union. “As it is the new bike lanes aren’t set up to accommodate bikes for pigs.”

B. Acon did consider the increased government activity could seem like pork barrel legislation, but insisted that tree legislation was not about to happen.