Laughs Abound

Albany, NY — Pension Reform Spurs Economy

New reforms to take away employee pension benefits have started producing an upsurge in the state’s economy. Sales of Mercedes, high rise penthouses and 30 foot yachts now post the largest growth since the days of F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The drivers of the state’s economy have suffered from losses during the last few years because corporations over stepped their Wall Street investments. Yet, recent government efforts have found new funding sources by taking the money from pension plans set up to aid the public workforce.

Corporate CEOs and business managers lost the ability to merge and consolidate with other firms while bonuses shrank to levels where only three homes per CEO were affordable to this sector.

“Workers should contribute to helping the economy,” said State Senator Rich Jowls. “Why should they deprive the wealthy of having funds for a merger that could take their company to an international level?”

When the financial crisis hit, the corporation, Schools Are Us, lost $100 million from Wall Street and could not partner with another charter school. The management staff suffered by reducing salaries to just under $500,000 a year. And the firm could not force the evictions of several neighborhoods to use land for new headquarters.

“Teachers are not considerate when they ask for a raise above the poverty level,” said Rip Emoff, the corporate owner. “Imagine them wanting a set pay when they retire to help pay medical expenses — why don’t they have the money they saved up by counting pennies?”

However, the state government does not want a duplication of the scene in New Jersey where a government official was YouTuped wrestling with a teacher in a supermarket over the contents of a shopping cart.

“Tenure?” Asked Rip. “Why should they be protected in their careers — they aren’t CEOs who pay huge country club fees to influence board members and really need the dough.”

On the other hand, increasing talk about taking the money from workers has shown policy makers a certain wisdom. Economic survival filters down from those who buy the Mercedes and penthouses. After all, some teachers have to guide the users of the Mercedes how to drive and the residents of penthouses how to dump the garbage. “Money filters down,” Jowls said. “Why, I just gave my doorman a quarter to hold my money bag of $200,000 that I needed to add a device to my Mercedes — now I can connect with my yacht.”