Thursday, February 2, 2012
Charlestown, SC — Vulture Capitalists Fly High
Vultures from South Carolina zoos have succeeded in taking over offices of most of the state’s Chamber of Commerce since the recent Republican presidential primary. The primary was responsible for a state court action, which freed the vultures who have gone on a spree of raiding small businesses ranging from mom-and-pop stores to fast food franchises.
The vultures were initially freed because the primary allowed vultures to participate in society as capitalists. “We’re only feeding on businesses that are nearly dead anyway,” said Ray Zerbeak, the vulture spokesman.
Law officers tried to round up the raiding vultures as they attacked the businesses, but the prosecution lost the court action. Zerbeak showed the judge that the increase in sheriffs and animal trainers proved that the vultures were job creators.
Once the vultures were allowed to seize businesses from displaced humans, they made inroads on owning funeral parlours. “The vultures helped us out because we no longer need coffins, and that eases our debt problems,” said Kate Aver, a human supporter.
Vulture businesses promise to keep florists in the loop since flowers go hand in hand with funerals. “We especially like to work hand to hand,” said Buzz Ard, a vulture entrepreneur.
Ard wanted to reassure people that vultures are indeed capitalists. “We go to where the market is,” he said. “And right now, people are dying to get into the funeral home.”
Vultures are currently seeking air rights over major airports. “Like all capitalists, we vultures think that regulations stop the natural free market,” Zerbeak said. “We have to be able to fly to any spot in the state without running into limitations.”
The move to seek air rights has nothing to do with the strange email Zerbeak received that talked about commercial flights having carrion luggage.
When asked about vultures flying over fields where humans congregated after losing their homes from the mortgage crisis, Zerbeak said, “They’re only running away from bank collectors who are capitalists — do they think they are entitled to a life?”
The flurry of vulture activity has also included moves to run cemeteries. The vultures promise to create more land available for industrial growth once they clean up the former cemetery sites.
The turnout during the race for the Republican primary failed to show human resentment toward the vultures. “I’m a Libertarian,” said Memi Only, a human supporter. “As long as a vulture doesn’t fly over my head, I could care less what he does with others.”
In the move to take over the Chamber of Commerce, the vultures promised to ease the national debt by chewing on old bank notes. “The more we eat, the less problem people will have in the future,” Zerbeak said.
Image Courtesy of gizmodo.com