Laughs Abound

Washington DC — Supreme Court Rules on Children

In a move to placate activists who want to control children of illegal aliens, the Supreme Court ruled on a wide range of issues that change the status of children.

The activists wanted a decision that changed the status of children born in the country to illegal aliens. Like most civilized countries, the US has held through the 14th Amendment that children born in the country were citizens. However, the activists wanted to focus on the word illegal that described the parent.

To widen the scope, the court ruled that all children would have to change their heritage. From the end of this year, new born Asian-Americans would be classified as Africans. Those born from African-Americans would be called Latinos. Those of European decent would be characterized as Asians.

“This isn’t what we wanted,” said a spokesman from Keep the A in America, a group that feared losing some of the letters of the name of the country. “We just wanted to bar citizenship from those who had illegal parents.”

The court has acted to answer some of those demands. In the future, children who have a parent convicted of speeding will not be able to drive cars. “Those foreign cars are just flooding the borders,” said Manny Fold. “If the Federal Government doesn’t stop all of this illegal activity, we’ll spot check each car to make sure it’s a Detroit make.”

The court has also declared that a child from law breakers will not have the right to buy food in a supermarket. “Those kids are taking food away from decent law abiding citizens,” said the leader of the group, Keep American Food Safe. “Our shelves are lined with too much of that fancy Italian cheese anyway. Who needs all that greasy olive oil that spills on your hands?”

Local police forces are now instructed to forget about follow up with homicide and burglary cases. Rather they will have to check the pockets of children who leave supermarkets to make sure that they have legal parents.

“This should help the country make more local products,” said the leader. “It’s about time the police monitored the illegal import of those foreign sauces.”

Another item covered by the court bars children who have parents convicted in ponzi schemes from carrying money. “We don’t want those future adults threatening us with more ponzi gimmicks,” said Green Back. “These rules help keep money in the country and next year, we’ll go after all those people who carry around Euros and Yuans.”

- Tom Pope

Image courtesy of Congressofhope.com